Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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