I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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