I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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