there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
