There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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