I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
