I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize