He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
