i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
