Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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