I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
