Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
