He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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