his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
