listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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