Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
