Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
