I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
