I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
