I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize