Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
