I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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