Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
