i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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