Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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