i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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