tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
