I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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