You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just invented taco cereal.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
