I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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