you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
