when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
