your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
