Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
