We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize