Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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