I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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