girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
