I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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