I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Randomize
