You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize