i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
