suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
