i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
