the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
