I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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