Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
