Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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