If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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