did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize