Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
