here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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