Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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