Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize