my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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