If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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