You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
